Kaizen Chaos

I heard the following story at the breast cancer luncheon the other day and it reminded me of my (ex)-mother-in-law. I wanted to write it down before I forgot it:

A woman who had been going through Chemo woke up to find she only had three strands of hair left on her head. So, she braided it and went on to have a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up to find she only had two strands of hair left on her head so she parted it and went on to have a wonderful day.

The following day she woke up to find she had only one strand of hair left on her head so she put it in a pony tail and went on to have a wonderful day.

You guessed it, the very next day she woke up to find that she didn’t have a single strand of hair left on her head. She glanced in the mirror and said “Whew! Thank God I don’t have to fix my hair today!” And she went on to have a wonderful day.

So what excuse do any of us have that we cannot wake up and go on to have a wonderful day? We are alive but how many are actually living?

Personally, I’ve always been stuck in the rut of planning and working hard now so I can enjoy “my future” later; so I won’t grow up to live a life of nothing I fought so hard to escape. I’m the dork in Office Space that said if I won a million dollars I’d invest so much of it and save the rest. To paraphrase, “Duh! The whole point of the exercise is to find out what you truly love to do and that’s what you should do in life.” But I’ve been like this my whole life.

In junior high I took summer school instead of spending time with my friends so I’d be better prepared for high school. In high school I started college classes instead of joining more clubs and activities so I could have a head start on my degree. In college I left the dorm life so I could get a “real job” and an apartment with my boyfriend so I could jump start our life together. I was always trying to get one step ahead of the game. Yet here I am, 25 years old (okay, you’re right…for the second time ) and I’m no farther in life, in my opinion, than some of my friends and peers, many who screwed off during high school and college. I busted my ass while they made memories. I’m no better off and probably no happier. I thought I was doing the smart thing.

I promised myself once I graduated college I would take a few months off to just live. Maintain a regular job for 8 hours a day then go home to do whatever it is normal people do. Watch TV. Sit. Relax. Whatever. But then, two months before I got my degree I started my business. Suddenly, I felt guilty about any downtime because it wasn’t billable time. I continuously find myself saying “once such-and-such is done then maybe I can slow down a bit” but it never happens.

The thing is I’ve never defined when my future will start and, ultimately, when I will allow myself to sit back and enjoy the fruit of my labor. There was one time and one time only that I can remember when I just said fu** it. I shut off my cell phone stopped checking e-mail and decided not to worry about anything else for a week and just live for the moment each day. And that was sort of forced upon me (“Mr. Ex”’s grandparents took the whole family to Cancun - it was torture, I know!)  But I survived and I loved every minute of it. That was in 2002. Why can’t I learn to take time out more often?

As I sat at the luncheon and listened to the many couragous women tell their tales I realized, compared to them, I have no good excuse. Hell, I don’t have much of an excuse at all. And it hit me…if I don’t take the time to experience and enjoy the life I have at whatever point in time, I will have done nothing but circle back to the very force that drove me from the start and I will die having lead a life of nothing. 

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