Kaizen Chaos

So I finally got motivated a little bit this weekend and started cleaning, organizing and packing. I’ve decided it’s not doing me any good dragging my feet waiting for a non-existent breakthrough from “Mr. Ex”. It’s just not going to happen. And if it did it still wouldn’t be good enough. I’m sure he still loves me, just not that much.

I want to move out and move on. I want to LIVE again. I want to be HAPPY again. But I’m not so sure I want to love again. Maybe. Maybe not.

God it hurts.

I hate that he gets to run away from everything and maintain an emotionally sterile attitude while I painstakingly push on because SOMEBODY has to get this train moving. I hate that I have to pack away our wedding and vacation photos, that I ran across the statement from the doctor confirming my first pregnancy…and the subsequent statements that followed when I miscarried. I tossed old phone bills when we used to talk for hours laughing, loving and missing each other and the more recent ones where we barely spoke for a few angry minutes. Every single item I touch in our house stirs distant memories of a past life that somehow slipped away. How can you run away as though we have shared nothing together? Why do I have to be the one who has to wake up and face it head on every single day?

Despite all the bad feelings I have for him I still love him very much. I’ll admit it. I certainly don’t NEED him, I’m not one to need anyone, the difference is I WANT him. I know I can find someone else, but I still want HIM. I wish many many years from now we would be sitting there and say “Geeze, we almost made a huge mistake back then didn’t we? But look at us now.” while we rock our grandchildren to sleep. And it makes me sick to admit it knowing that’s never going to happen.

I know he still loves me…he just doesn’t love me enough.

* * * *

Boyz II Men are running through my head…

How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.

I thought we’d get to see forever
But forever’s gone away
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

I don’t know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we’ve been
And what we’ve been through.

If we get to see tomorrow
I hope it’s worth all the wait
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I’ll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I’ll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

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