Kaizen Chaos

Per a friend’s blog:

“People need to see the reality.  They need to see how we slave to maintain this illusion.  We work so hard to make things look easy.  What’s the point?  The Real You Is More Interesting Than The Fake Somebody Else.” 

-Lauryn Hill-

A fellow MySpacer responded with:

“The real you is better than the fake anything, unfortunately we all slave to an illusion of our true selves. We maintain an illusion because, deep down, we are all afraid to expose our souls. It happened to each of us, long ago and in different situations, but the first time your dreams are crushed- when someone makes that pointed, hurtful comment, you begin to build an alternate identity. It is easier for the alternate identity, the illusion, to be destroyed rather than your true self…”

BINGO

I’ve built so many alternate identities over time I sometimes wonder if there is a true self left to me. I’ve conditioned myself to become numb to situations and I can turn my emotions off in the blink of an eye. When I do have a feeling I have to stop and ask myself if I truly feel that way or if it’s simply an automated response, an illusion. How sad is that?

To avoid pain and heartache I’ve been living by the motto “you can’t lose what you don’t have.” I stopped being true to myself and started to  avoid people, situations, and experiences so I couldn’t get hurt. Too many people have asked me “Why don’t you smile anymore? You used to smile all the time.” I guess I stopped smiling because I stopped LIVING in general and I’ve unknowingly been starving my soul. If you can’t feel pain how can you feel pleasure?

It’s all about balance. I’m learning to live again and I’m trying very hard to find and be my true self. The best part is I’ve started to smile again, genuinely smile and it feels great.

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