Kaizen Chaos

While rummaging through some stuff the other day my hand bumped a little burgundy box. I opened the velvet case to peek at the strongest symbol of my weak marriage that only holds empty promises and a non-existent future.  

It sent me back about five years… “”Mr. Ex” and Elle will exchange rings as a symbol of their vows. The ring is an ancient symbol of such vows, as the circle is considered to be the most perfect form of all forms in nature. As the years pass your rings will gain in value for they are the constant symbol of your lifetime together. Your rings also serve as reminders. Throughout your lifetime as you look at these rings, they will remind you of this moment, of the vows you have just made and of your love for one another. “ 

The rings do remind me of that moment but the sadness I feel is no longer caused by the lost love as I’ve come to terms with that. The issue I’m dealing with now is realizing I have a second chance at finding and marrying someone who will truly stand by me for the rest of my life and I’ve already poured my heart and soul into my first wedding with someone who couldn’t care less about the symbolism I meticulously incorporated into that ceremony. 

Looking back I’m ashamed to admit I now think I was one of “those girls” in her early 20s who couldn’t wait to get married just for the sake of being married. I wanted to be a wife and mommy more than anything. Don’t get me wrong I wanted to marry the right guy and I was very much in love, which is why I proposed. I helped pick out my own engagement ring, wrote our wedding vows and planned the ceremony myself. I asked for his input but he routinely declined, jokingly stating he just wanted to know when and where to show up. (Um, here’s your sign stupid girl!) In retrospect, it’s actually quite ridiculous how I choreographed my entire wedding–I could have packaged it up like a cake mix and stamped it with “Just Add a Groom!” 

I wanted everything to be somewhat untraditional, extremely symbolic, memorable and everlasting… I thought it would make an awesome love story, right up there with The Notebook. (Okay, maybe that’s pushing it, but you get the idea!) Unfortunately, time tells a different story. 

Everything I said, everything I did the first time around was meant to be with and for the person with whom I was going to spend the rest of my life.   

As I snapped the ring box shut I hoped that one day if I’m lucky enough to marry the right person he will understand and know in his heart the vows I once spoke to the wrong person were meant for him all along. 

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