Kaizen Chaos

Anyone who really knows me can testify that when I feel threatened I can be a revengeful, spiteful bitch from way back who can hold a grudge longer than Mariah can hold a high note. Heck, up until the other day I was still trying to track down the snotty girl from 2^nd grade that pushed me at recess. Just kidding…(I’m still looking for her) LOL! So it took me by surprise when I realized I just might have actually reached the point that I’m ready to forgive my ex and even admit my retaliation may have crossed the line.

I know two wrongs don’t make a right but I’ll admit it sure felt damn good at the time watching him suffer. Does that make me a terrible person? Maybe. Probably. I’ve since met people who in similar situations were able to turn the other cheek, walk away and be fine in time without letting the past consume them. It’s no excuse but underneath it all I was hurt and afraid and simply building walls to protect myself. In my own mind I was in survival mode. I didn’t want to accept that the person I once loved so much had stopped loving me, or at least had stopped showing it. How humiliating and devastating. I had gone through it too many times before and decided I wasn’t going to stand for it again; I wanted to “get even” and ensure I would end up no less than “okay.” In retrospect I was so obsessed with getting even that once it was probably fair to say I had reached the “even” point I just kept on running and in hindsight, took it entirely too far.  

I think some of this epiphany might have been sparked after reading a quote the other day: “We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.” Joseph Campbell…Things are calm once again, the dust has settled a bit and I am content having determined that my life-after-divorce quickly became better than just “okay”. I guess it’s selfish of me to have had to wait until this point before I cut him any slack but regardless, I feel it’s time. Since I went public with our personal life and my accusations it’s probably only fair that I go public with my apology and current thoughts about this issue.  

“Mr. Ex”, I am truly sorry for how things got out of hand. I am no longer proud of the things I did or the pain I caused you. In fact, I am somewhat ashamed of the person I was for awhile because deep down that wasn’t me; Love and the loss of it will make you do crazy things. I accept your apology for your wrongdoings and genuinely appreciate that you were much quicker to forgive me for mine. Perhaps in some respect that makes you the better person. The world would be a better place if more people could forgive and forget and move on with their lives without dwelling so much on the past, something of which I’ve always knowingly had a problem. 

I absolutely wish you nothing but the best in life and I hope you find true happiness, whatever that may mean to you. Despite what I’ve said, you are a good person who simply made bad choices and who am I to judge? We’ve all made bad choices. Everyone deserves to be happy; the sad part is not everyone’s definition of happy include the same things.  

My blogs were not initially intended to smear your name. In fact, it all began as what I thought was a positive way to release my feelings and stress. I wanted to be able to look back and see how I grew as a person through everything. Once I got started and people were responding and relating I realized it could be used as a weapon as much as a tool. I’ve learned a great deal from that phase in my life and have discovered lots of things about myself; sadly not all of it is good. 

I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I don’t want to be a revengeful brat hanging onto someone’s ankle kicking, screaming and plotting because things didn’t go how I planned. Quite frankly, it’s exhausting. I’ve learned you can only fight for what you once had for so long until you realize it’s passed the point of no return. Once it’s reached that point it’s probably best to suck it up, cut your losses and move on or you could jeopardize future happiness that just waiting to be discovered. Life will always go on with or without you. It is a personal choice as to how you let it affect you. I can’t change the past but I CAN affect my future. I choose to affect it in a positive way and that means letting go of the negative energy from the past and from those who need the drama and gossip. I refuse to let that stuff and those people bother me any longer.  

But I digress; the simple point of this entire thing is to tell you and the rest world that I am in fact, truly and deeply sorry. I’m sorry for you, I’m sorry for me, I’m sorry for what was once “us”.  I know you didn’t need or necessarily want this long drawn out explanation and public announcement. 

All you wanted, all you ever wanted is to hear me say, if only just to you: I forgive you, and I’m sorry too.

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 Commentary added at a later date. . .

StupidGirl: It’s just so sad it had to come to this. :::sniff::: 

SuperBitch: Oh, what-EVER! We all know how things went down. Quit trying to make everyone happy Elle. Get over it and get on with your lives already.

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